I thought I would do a real, raw, and personal blog post today. This is something I have struggled with since I can remember. There has been a lot of guilt and pain that has come from not knowing what I want to do with my life, I know that almost sounds ridiculous but it is true.
In year 9, I remember sitting down in the big assembly hall and the teachers asking us to choose 3 GCSE’s that we want to do for the next 2 years (obviously besides the mandatory ones). There wasn’t much choice at my school, nothing that truly stood out, nothing I thought I would like to pursue as a career. The only ‘job’ I have ever wanted was to be a mum. So I choose options that I thought would benefit me in the long run with being a mum, this was my logic as a 13-year-old. However, after discussing my options, my parents persuaded me to do differently, I ended up choosing History, French and Child-development.
I had spent hours talking to my family, teachers, friends, about what I wanted to do, and there was nothing that remotely took my interest. I found that so hard at school. What 13/14/15 year old truly knows what they want to do for the rest of their lives? It seemed like while no one was truly sure, I was one of the only ones that didn’t have some sort of plan.
College. I thought college would be the ‘making’ of me, I would find interests and hobbies, and develop some sort of idea on what I want to do with my life. There were so many new paths I could take, new subjects I could learn, but I still wasn’t sure. I completed an extra year of college, so I could do an extra course, give myself another year to figure stuff out. I finished college with good qualifications but absolutely no desire to go to uni or still any clear vision of my future plans.
A few years have passed, I have worked a couple of jobs, travelled around a bit, and here I am now. Still absolutely NO. IDEA. Any job I have had, I have worked hard. I enjoy learning and have always aimed for progression but they are dead-end jobs.
Through my three years of college and the first year after, I struggled the most. I had really bad disagreements with my family, and I grew in frustration with myself. All I have ever wanted is one goal to aim towards. A job that I could dream of having. This year my mindset has shifted, I have accepted that fact that there may not be a job I want, or a job that I will wake up every morning excited to do. It doesn’t exist for everyone and that is OK. However, this doesn’t mean I am ready to just do anything, there are still plenty of things that I know I wouldn’t enjoy doing and/or am not capable of doing.
So here I am, writing my problems down. ‘Travelling’ into adulthood and into the person I will become. I think I want to continue a little series like this, so there are people who are going through it, like I did, and know they’re not alone. It is a daunting growing up, especially in the world we are living in today, with so much confusion and concern.
Hopefully, things will work out, and if they don’t, that’s OK too.
Thanks for reading.
Travels of Eden